Homework 2.2. On/Off: Sleep No More

Image from https://www.snopes.com/movies/films/poltergeist.asp

I was asked, for a New Media, New Forms project, to give up a piece of technology and document it, then respond to this experience through a piece of art. I have a confession: I entered into this project really thinking that I knew what it would be like. I knew the idea I wanted to do almost immediately, and I had a pretty sound notion of how I thought it would pan out; I figured that it would be tough at first, but once I did it, I would feel a delightful sense of relief, a serenity at being freed from this technological dependency.

When I thought of an element of technology that I have a regular reliance upon, I didn't initially think of my computer, or my headphones, or even my cell phone. While I use all of these items nearly every day, I will often also go without them when I am hanging out with friends or engaged in art making or in class or simply need to relax for a bit. However, there is one element of technology that I very rarely go without, and even thinking of giving it up started to make me anxious.

I fall asleep with the television on every night. Not only that, but I continue to keep it on throughout the night, sometimes rolling over in a state of semi-awareness to restart a program, to tell Netflix that yes, I know it is 4:35 AM and I technically went to sleep at 12, but I am indeed still here. Please keep playing my show.

I know that this is bad for me. I have been told about the negative effects of falling asleep with the television on by many a well-meaning friend, family member, yoga teacher, and article. (Such as this one, and this one, and this one, and this one.... the list goes on.) I am well aware of the effects that this habit can have on my sleep cycle, on my mood during the day, on potential risk for depression and fatigue. I am also aware of alternatives to falling asleep to the tv, such as white noise machines and little blue nightlights and shutting down all electronics at least an hour before bed. I've tried a few; I've brushed off many more. Simply put, I like sleeping with the television on; I want to keep doing it.

Despite my unfaltering dedication to this very bad habit, I still entered this project confident in my hypothesis that I would not only be able to do it, but that by the end of it I would have enjoyed the experience, or at least come out of it with some sort of clarifying revelation. Maybe this would be the impetus to begin to break this bad habit for good! After all, how hard could it be?

It was really hard.

I planned to start this on the Friday after class. I worked that day, and went to my boyfriends for a little dinner, a little wine, and a relaxing evening. After doing some homework and watching a movie, it was time for bed, and I explained project, and how I needed to shut off the television while I went to sleep in order to complete it. He protested lightly, as I've also dragged him into this horrible habit, but agreed, and we shut off the TV and snuggled down for a sound night's sleep. I lasted about five minutes before I caved, rationalizing that really, the project wasn't due for nearly a week so I didn't need to start it RIGHT then; I had plenty of time. The television was turned back on, and I happily slept through a standard fitful night.

The next day we traveled to Pennsylvania for Andrew's sister-in-law's birthday party, and stayed at his father's house. I again argued my way out of actually trying this experiment out, as we were in an unfamiliar place and it would just be too much all at once; how would I ever fall asleep in that scenario?

Sunday we tried again, but I also cheated a little bit. I would sleep without the television on, but after I started out with it on as I was drifting off. I turned it off as my eyelids were beginning to get heavy, knowing that this wasn't the experiment that I set out to test, but hey- I still had time, right?

Finally, Monday I was determined. I would do this, and I would do it that night. I would get through a single night of no television, and I would finally see what all of those articles were talking about. Maybe, sleeping without the television would give me the best rest I'd had in years! As I laid down in bed, ready to simply shut the light and fall asleep, I began to get extremely anxious. I didn't want to do it; did I really have to? All of these thoughts started racing through my mind, I was nearly beginning to break out in a cold sweat, and the lights were still on. Still, I was determined. This was the project that I had set out to do, and I still believed in my original idea that it wouldn't be that difficult. I finally convinced myself to shut out the lights, and laid there, trying to fall asleep with nothing but my own thoughts.

It was really difficult for me. I was fraught with worry, unable to clear my mind. I had kind of figured that I would experience some anxiety at first, but that it would go away. It didn't. My mind was aswarm with every source of stress and pressure, every deadline, every project on the horizon (including this one), every potential source of failure. I thought about issues from the past, issues from the future, issues that in actuality have little to no bearing on my life or state of being. I eventually fell asleep, but woke up several times, and struggled desperately on each occasion with the idea of turning the television on just so I could comfortably sleep through the rest of the night. I didn't though; I made it through the whole night, and woke up in the morning with my alarm feeling, honestly, no different than usual.

This project was a huge challenge for me, and, in a way, disappointing. I didn't realize how deeply tied I was to this habit of sleeping with the television on, and I didn't realize how much latent anxiety I would be attacked with were I to try and unentangle myself from it. I expected an entirely different (and more meditative) emotional response than the one that I actually had, and I absolutely did not enjoy the experience that I went through. I was also surprised by my wishy-washiness, by how many times I tried and failed because of my own fears, something that I am not accustomed to and not proud of.

However, the project did really make me think. It probably would be good for me to eventually break myself of this habit, and it probably would also be good to pay more heed to the subtle pressures and anxieties that exist under the surface within my daily life. In thinking about this experiment, I decided that this might not be the best time to fully cut myself off from sleeping with the TV on, but it might be a good time to start adding in a little extra meditation and peace into the day, so that the prospect of falling asleep with my own thoughts might not be so daunting if I ever do decide to abandon all electronics as I sleep.

Image from www.playbuzz.com/

In responding to this experience creatively, I chose to list out as many anxious and unsettling thoughts as I could on a small black piece of paper, using red ballpoint pen. The stream of consciousness of anxiety that flowed onto the paper represented the anxieties that I went through as I tried to fall asleep without the television, and the blackness signified the darkness of my room without the ambient light to which I had become some accustomed. This process was both cathartic and anxiety inducing in itself; it wasn't easy to admit some of the things that I wrote down, even to myself. Essentially, the only time that I had really actively engaged with these thoughts was during the course of this project, both as I laid in bed and as I went through this art making process in response. 

Following the outpouring of these anxieties, I covered the black sheet of paper with a piece of acetate, over which I painted some loose and pleasant watercolor abstractions. The acetate and the water color are both clear or transparent, and so do not totally obscure the anxious words behind them, but they do serve to distract the viewer almost entirely from what lies beneath. The acetate also served as something much more pleasing to look at than simply the dark and scribbled paper that it covered. This aspect of the piece represents the light and sound of the television as I fall asleep; while my stressors are still there, still an undercurrent of my thoughts, the TV serves to distract me with something much more pleasant, and I can effectively tune out the troubles that would otherwise run through my mind and continue to keep me awake. 

I found this piece to be really revealing to myself regarding the thoughts and anxieties that I do struggle with as I begin to drift off at night, and why and how the television serves to help me. Again, it also inspired me to be more honest with myself, and address some of these stressors in my everyday life rather than continue to have them swim beneath the surface during what should be a calm and relaxing part of my day. 

    Untitled, Stephanie Oniffrey, 2018. Watercolor on acetate over ink on construction paper.